Revisionist Christianity - an idea whose time has come

Pat Robertson, now feeling the brunt of criticism for his "non-christian" comments, might want to take a page from our highly respected founding father Thomas Jefferson, and do a little revising. Here's a little prompting for Pat, should he chose to take my suggestion, starting with a sample revision of the gospel of Matthew, version 2.0, chapter 27, verses 11 to 24.

11 And Jesus stood before the governor: and the governor asked him, saying, Art thou the King of the Jews? And Jesus said unto him, "You bet your sinful little commie ass I am."

12 And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he saith unto them, "Lo, I am sick of being treated like a second-class citizen by pagans. Hark unto the sound of the AK-47 at the gates, wielded by my faithful disciple Peter, a very good man with a gun."

13 And when they ceased their accusations to behold Peter and the other disciples, Lo, Jesus pulled from his robes a gun and shot Pilate, crying "Thus to all unbelievers!"

14 And the chief priests and elders were converted and baptized.

15 And Lo, that day Jesus did speak and say "I shall have a Christian government in Israel, and everyone shall indeed vote, except for adulterers, fornicaters, homosexuals, feminists, pagans, Jews, infidels, heretics, lesbians, Hindus, Buddhists, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Methodists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, agnostics, atheists, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Shakers, Metropolitan Community Church members, Presbyterians, peace-niks, French, Socialists, Communists, Green Party members, Democrats and liberals, for lo, they shall all killed, and all be cast into fiery flames of hell this day."

16 And lo, the adulterers, fornicaters, homosexuals, feminists, pagans, Jews, infidels, heretics, lesbians, Hindus, Buddhists, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Methodists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, agnostics, atheists, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Shakers, Metropolitan Community Church members, Presbyterians, peace-niks, French, Socialists, Communists, Green Party members, Democrats and liberals spake, and saith unto the lord,

17 "Verily,Lord, when you were hungry, we feed you; when you were thirsty, we gave you drink; when you were a stranger, we took you in; when you were naked, we clothed you, when you were sick, we visited you, and when you were in prison, we came unto you."

18 And he spake unto them and said "Things have changed. That's not what's important anymore."

19 And the adulterers, fornicaters, homosexuals, feminists, pagans, Jews, infidels, heretics, lesbians, Hindus, Buddhists, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Methodists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, agnostics, atheists, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Shakers, Metropolitan Community Church members, Presbyterians, peace-niks, French, Socialists, Communists, Green Party members, Democrats and liberals did shrug and say, "well, at least the conversation is interesting in hell, and there are decent drinks."

20 And in Israel there was much rejoicing, and much giving of thanks, and the priests raked in many shekles performing funerals for the unfaithful

21 And Jesus, said unto the priests, "Thou shalt tithe unto me" and they saith unto them, "Verily Lord, is that not of the former law, which is now passed away?"

22 And He looked upon them and cradled his AK-47 in His lap.

23 And they said, "Verily Lord, we were only joking. Here are the tithes."

24 And Jesus was very rich, and lived happily ever after.

What Would Jesus Say at a Republican Party Fundraiser?

Tom Peyer at slate.com gives a full transcript of The Son of God's remarks at a recent G.O.P event.

"In My youth, I made certain ill-advised statements that I now regret. If I offended anyone, I apologize. I want to clarify that it is easy for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven.

"I'd like to apologize specifically to the money-changers. It is My sincere hope that you will come back into the Temple free of charge as My guests."

And here's another slate article - this one by Christopher Hitchens, on equal time for evolution:

If we take the president up on his deceptively fair-minded idea of "teaching the argument," I think we could advance the ball a little further in other directions also. Houses of worship that do not provide space for leaflets and pamphlets favoring evolution (not necessarily Darwinism, which is only one of the theories of evolution and thus another proof of its scientific status) should be denied tax-exempt status and any access to public funding originating in the White House's "faith-based" initiative.

The Angel's Retirement Speech

A poem in today's Writer's Almanac:


Poem: "The Angel's Retirement Speech" by Annie Farnsworth, from Bodies of Water, Bodies of Light. © Annie Farnsworth.

The Angel's Retirement Speech

My advice to those of you
just starting out: don't expect too much,
or to make a big splash.
They're all so jaded now, what with all
this technology. Not like the old days,
when all you had to do
was throw your voice on the wind,
cry tears through a statue, maybe just appear
in times of great stress, looking your most
diaphanous
No, now they've got
their own miracles, like cell phones
and videos - who needs a visitation
when they've got their own apparitions
appearing and disappearing, all night
on Extended Basic Cable?
With advances like that,
a voice from heaven is not all that impressive,
nor the sight of winged creatures hovering
in a golden shaft of light.
I guess I would say
just stick to the basics, the stuff
that always works. Like birthing babies,
and healing the folks the doctors thought hopeless.
Maybe pull the stalled car off the train tracks
at the very last second. When things look grim
give 'em the old "Jesus' face in a potato chip," or
maybe a squirrel's nest that becomes, at dusk,
the spitting image of St. Francis in profile.
It might sometimes seem
like a thankless job but when you
do it right, just watch them pack up
for a road trip pilgrimage
with their picnic baskets and instamatics.
Watch their eyes widened in innocence again,
to see the Mary Magdalene in a cloud formation,
or the Enquirer's MOSES ZUCCHINI.

Pat Robertson does it again

First he suggests that we assassinate Chavez.

Then he says that his remarks were taken out of context and what he really said was that "we should take him out" - which could mean lots and lots of things, really. Like, take him out for ice cream. Or drinks. Or just out of South America all together. Not necessarily assassination, where do you judgemental suspicious people get these ideas?

Then he apologized for his suggestion that Chavez be assassinated.

Jesus, Pat. What an ass you are.

I highly suggest checking out www.cbn.com. One bright spot in this whole mess is that I checked out that website and discovered just how freaking scary they are.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster Theory of Creation

A friend clued me into the flying spaghetti monster, and after a quick search on yahoo I found an open letter to the Kansas City School Board. A brief quote:

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

Check out the link above for more information on the corresponding drop in pirates and rise in global warming, as well as compelling evidence for the Flying Spaghetti Monster's creation of the world.

Also see the phenomemon addressed at Pharyngula.

The bully's pulpit, part 2

Of course it's improbable that the Reverend Dollar and his ilk really believe that god is picking out their china patterns and while shaking off the huddled masses, the tired, the poor clinging to his celestial ankles.

If they do believe that, it is a rather simpleminded belief of convenience. More likely, it is manipulative PR. He explains that he is rich because god wants him to be rich. Not because he is greedy, not because his wife has a thing for nice houses, not because he desires the power that goes along with money. It's god's will that he be rich. Therefore if you question the spending of your tithes, you are not questioning the reverend - the buck stops higher up. Much, much higher.

I suppose I'm less surprised by that manipulative, whorish blasphemy than by those who buy into it. I can understand greed and selfishness. I find it difficult to understand buying into a charlatan.

The bully's pulpit

"Earthly Empires: How evangelical churches are borrowing from the business playbook" is the cover story for the May 23 BusinessWeek.

There's a lot of fodder for thought and writing here, but there's one particular segment that really punched my buttons.

Especially controversial are leaders like Osteen and the flamboyant Creflo A. Dollar, pastor of World Changers Church International in College Park, Ga., who preach "the prosperity gospel." They endorse material wealth and tell followers that God wants them to be prosperous. In his book, Osteen talks about how his wife, Victoria, a striking blonde who dresses fashionably, wanted to buy a fancy house some years ago, before the money rolled in. He thought it wasn't possible. "But Victoria had more faith," he wrote. "She convinced me we could live in an elegant home...and several years later, it did come to pass." Dollar, too, defends materialistic success. Dubbed "Pass-the-Dollar" by critics, he owns two Rolls Royces and travels in a Gulfstream 3 jet. "I practice what I preach, and the Bible says...that God takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants," says Dollar, 43, nattily attired in French cuffs and a pinstriped suit.

Evidently god is very, very busy making sure that "the faithful" have matching flatware and houses in the Hamptons and just hasn't had time to swing through the Sudan lately. How could any thinking person believe that god's priorities are so shallow? Obviously, no ethical and thinking person could (unless they believed god was a bit of a jerk- and there's some evidence for that, but that's another story).

"Give me your hard-earned cash or go to hell. Oh look, this Hermes tie fell out of the sky onto my neck! Obviously god is pleased with me."

I should admit that I am not familiar with Mr. Dollar's ministry and haven't researched it, and that I am aware that he didn't quite say that prosperity was a sign of god's favor. "God takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants."

Oh, what a dirty mental picture of god. (Heavy breathing) "Buy that Lexus, buy it! Get the leather ... oooh yeah .. the leather seats! Oooohhhh yesssss... sign that check ... I am well pleased with you, my servant." Embarrassing and blasphemous, isn't it? Yes.

God, in case you haven't noticed, although I am an atheist I am usually a pretty decent person. I haven't coerced any naive person into giving me their money, I avoid lying when possible, and I always tip 20%. I'm sure you can spare me a few bottles of french wine and maybe a trip to Macy's to reward my good behavior and maybe even swing me back toward theism, hint hint.